Zaul looks like he about to pop a vein!
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I didn't blame you Tollie I just admired the shot!

Zaul: *peeks through hole in roof* Mack you got some explaining to do
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Don't mind if I do.

*Loads up with more weapons than the G.I.Joe movie*
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YAY I FINALLY WROTE SOMETHING. Unfortunately, the library is being a jerkface (scientific terminology) and has decided to remove all my paragraph breaks and italics.

*flips over tables*

It is 1 a.m. and I am done with this friggin' GUH.

I'll post a link to it on Google Docs or something in the morning.

Good gravy, why do we even HAVE a library if it completely unusable?

[/rant]
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Just talking on B-Days (hint hint certian someones is coming up! ) I use to celebrate my day with my grandfather. I would have been born on his birthday if it had not been for the complications my mother had, which by the way, she had been in labour for 52 hours! I was finally delivered but missed his day by an hour. So my day born a day after his. I miss him as he past away nearly 15 years ago.
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One week warning.

I'm not going to make it, not because I don't have time to read but because I don't have anything to read. Sigh.
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"High Rise Hostages" Act 1 by Mack

Overall:

I can't really comment on this as a whole yet, since it just sort of stops in the middle. Here are a couple of things that caught my eye though:

1. Scene i should really introduce us to the team, or at least start introducing us. As is, I don't know anything about them--how many of them there are, how they act around each other, why they enjoy tormenting Julia so much, what they do--except that there are both girls and guys and they enjoy making Julia miserable. I want to know who these people are and, more importantly, WHY I should care about them.
1A. Why don't they arrive early to work out instead of doing it at the beginning of their shift? Why are they even working out at all? If you work out, you're not going to be at your full strength, so unless they're planning on spending the rest of the day just sitting around, it makes no sense for them to work out at the BEGINNING of their work day. ESPECIALLY if, as you implied, they're working out for TWO HOURS before they begin their real work. Think about how many calories they're burning.

2. More exciting words! People don't "go"--they bounce or leap or slouch or trudge or shimmy or stride or slink. People don't "look"--they glare or stare or peek or peer or glance or gaze. This goes for everything, but especially the beginning of Scene ii. We're meeting Julia for the first time, so make her make an impression!
2A. Actually, this is generally true of both scenes. I care more about who these people are than what their morning routine is like. Yes, showing me their morning routine is a way for me to get to know them, but not like this. I was to see them INTERACTING with each other, not just going from point A to point B.

Line-by-line comments:



I know what you mean here, but "sleepily waking up" seems kind of oxymoronic. How about "rubbing the sleep from their eyes" or "stretching and yawning sleepily" or something similarly descriptive?



The phrasing makes it sound as though men and women are chatting TO EACH OTHER while in separate rooms. Perhaps:

The unit members chatted to each other as they changed in their locker rooms.

Or something similar.



I'm not wild about the repetition of "room" here.

How about something like:

They yelled conversations back and forth between the two locker rooms.



There's no need for the "would" here. Also, the "bang shut with a metallic clang" sounds odd. I would say "the lock doors shut with metallic clangs."







#1. This isn't a complete sentence. You should attach it to the last sentence.

#2. She was the one who would arrive two hours early

Why "was"? I think you mean:

She normally arrived two hours early

#2. completing her workout when the others team members arrived.

Wrong tense. I think you mean:

and completed her workout at the same time the other team members arrived.



Since she's only been introduced as Julia so far, most people won't know who this is.



Why "would"?





So without context or body language, I have no idea what the captain's tone of voice is. I also don't know how to read the sentence (why is he suddenly threatening them?) without context. In fact, I didn't realize what he was implying until you EXPLICITLY STATED IT in the next paragraph, which is never a good sign.

So how do you fix this little speech so that it tells us something about the captain AND the people he's talking to?

Here's one way:

“Julia will join us later in the day. For some strange reason she was pulled to instruct a class at the academy." He paused, locking eyes with each member of the team in turn. "Ladies and gentleman, if I see Officer Duncan’s name on the rooster for the academy again in the next six months, I will be assigning you to take some of her classes. This is a final warning, people.”

See, that's much clearer without adding too much.


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So I just read The Basic Eight which also has an unreliable narrator. It doesn't suffer from the same problems as Liar...but suffers from different ones altogether, like the fact that the entire book is leading up to a GIANT TWIST...which I figured out less than halfway through. Oh well. (It was really obvious.) Also, nobody in the book acts like a real teenager (it's set in high school) and spends a lot of time crying/puking. Sigh.
Also, what is it with completely unlikable unreliable narrators? I feel compelled to write a likable unreliable narrator.
HMM.
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That was amazing. Some of it heart stopping and others are down right hysterical. Your aunt did good this time.
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I think maybe in the back of our minds was MrGBH when Valentine's Day came about. I know I wouldn't want to see anything about love and that day...just saying.

Your grandmother was born on February 14th?! So was mine...she would have been 100 this year! My one aunt got a memory card made to celebrate her birthday.
If weather permitted we would travel across the state for her birthday.
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MrGBH, sorry you couldn't watch Hearts and Hooves Day, but I do understand.

I so though Pinkie was going to get killed this time out. Like I said, she is too over the top. But I did like how the episode ended and the lesson Pinkie learned.
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I was totally thinking the same thing as you in that last panel. *Sends E-hugs.*
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My aunt sends me junk. Sometimes it's awesome.


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Tollie, I have two questions.
1, where did you get that gun?
2, do you have a spare?
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shy0ne wrote:


Well, I've watched dozens of episodes and these kids are surprisingly hard to scare off. *loads gun* Fortunately I'm not trying to scare them off
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Peace and quiet? Here? I don't think so! *Busts out electric guitar and starts soloing.*
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